Recent things to be happy about:

Good things about Friday: *I survived piano lessons with minimal damage. *I got to hear DWB sing bits from Next to Normal, and was brave enough to sing along. I love to hear DWB sing, he's amazing. It was Giant Hot Dog Friday at work, so instead of the regular dogs there were Costco hot dogs all day. They are so good. *There were also donuts :) *I chatted with M. Chevalier about sending barbies into orbit with model rockets and blowing them up with M80s, fragging zombies, and I gave him the secret code to diffuse the weapon that was about to destroy Utah County (449522, in case you were wondering).* I got the most darling wall hang at the YW fundraiser. It says ASAP (always say a prayer :). *I couldn't stop thinking about it, which usually means that it's not a thought from me, if you know what I mean, so I sent DWB a message via FaceBook. I told him I think he's amazing, that I love that he shares his talents and his music with me, and that his bright, happy presence makes me happy (I also mentioned that we should have a movie night). *I also got to go see Alice in Wonderland. It was AMAZING. *I ran into an old friend at the movie theatre too. It was good to see NR! 

Good things about Saturday: *DWB replied to my message. LOVE him. "I'm so happy that your so happy when I'm so happy! And I'm leavin on Tuesday at noonish for a road trip. How bout Monday for movie night? Or tomorrow night? Or tonight? Or every night of my LIFE?! Aaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!" OK, got a little carried away. Anywho, I already miss you, so... let's fix that." *DAB (not to be confused with DWB) also sent me a little message on FB. He just wanted to check on me and make sure I'm ok. He says I've been a little off lately. He would be correct. This kid is amazing. He's a piano WIZARD, he's funny and he doesn't know it, and he's just so good and kind and sweet. I'll miss him when he goes to Berklee. *SoBella called out of the blue. She needed a running buddy for a jaunt to Provo. I haven't seen her in a year or so. It was good to see her. I have missed her. There were moments that felt like nothing had changed, even though in reality everything is different. I hope she is happy. *The adult session of Stake conference is usually really uplifting for me. And it was for the most part. We'll ignore the things that didn't make me so happy for now. This is a happy post!


plus the daily horoscope:

"You can't ignore your desire for change any longer. Could it be that you're tired of the same old same old? It was a lot of fun, but you want something truer, deeper and more significant. Face it: You're growing up." (yahoo astrology)


Do I really have to grow up? Say it ain't so... 

The epistle of the temporarily unsound...

I don't think I have had a single coherent thought today. So it would only be fitting to compose a completely discombobulated post, right? 

So apparently your favorite girl scout cookie tells a lot about your personality. (see http://www.shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/what-does-your-favorite-girl-scout-cookie-say-about-you-1086262/;_ylt=ArZZKtaKedQZ) (longest link EVER)  Anywho, I am a hardcore Tagalong addict. I can eat an entire box without shame, or breathing... The little blurb says "Like the chocolate-peanut butter of the Tagalong, you have an intriguing duality. One side of you is smooth, relaxed, and easygoing, while you also have a dark side, one that likes to ponder life's deeper meanings and philosophical quagmires. You snap out of it quickly, though, especially when cookies are present." Philosophical quagmire. Yes. I am in one. Sort of. If not philosophical, it's still a quagmire. A rather messy quagmire. MAG STILL won't let up. I can't decide which is worse: stop worrying about it and let him retain some shred of hope that he will ever be that someone special for me, meanwhile putting up with his antics; or break the poor guy's heart into a jillion pieces. What's worse, false hope or heartbreak? M. Chevalier says "breaking hearts is a dark business, and sometimes you have to do your own dirty work." I hate that he's right.  And I hate that I don't understand Chevalier. I can't decide if he's the good guy or the evil twin. Maybe he's both. I think I'm the evil twin today. I don't want to be the one Cookie calls when she is pissed at the world. Right now my balance is precarious enough without her influence. No I don't want to go to the belly dancing festival. And stop saying the F word, Cookie. You know it bugs me. DTCG bugs me too. But Strawberry  likes him a lot, so I have to be nice. A pedicure would be nice. My toes miss seeing the sun. Heck, I miss seeing the sun. Hawaii is sunny, that sounds good about now. The beautiful Hawaiian tenor, KHK, sounds good too. He's incredible and he doesn't know it. Sweet, gorgeous, talented, smart. So is the Blue Eyed Tenor, TJE. I want to get to know him better. I have no idea how. He seems so shy. I'm pretty sure he's too cool for me anyway. I also slightly love DWB. But I'm pretty sure he's perfect for Jimmie. I am debating setting them up. M. Chevalier is the only guy that has a moniker instead of initials... Other than him  only the ladies get nicknames...  I'll have to tell him he's special and then make him wonder why. I have new "goal pants". REI sizes a little small. Which sucks. Speaking of goals I am a March Madness EPIC FAIL. I'm so behind. But I'll keep plugging along. I'm still missing "me". I miss AJB. I need a good bear hug. He was the best at that. I would say that I need a hug on Facebook or something- I would get lots of hugs- but then MAG would probably see that as an invitation to maul me. gag. bad idea. Maybe blogging was a bad idea right now. I might be a little unstable. Oh well. I'll just go to bed. Weird dreams will make me forget the whole feeling of being stuck in a quagmire... 

great, cyclical though process... 

and thus I do make an end to this ridiculous epistle. 

Congratulations Universe...

At work talking to Strawberry Shortcake. Hear the front door open. Look up to acknowledge the customer. Smile and say hello. Oh no. Don't swear out loud. Face falls for half a second. Don't react violently, just fake a smile. Fighting off fainting. Phone rings. Thank heavens, saved by the phone. "Great Western Supply, how can I help you?" Strawberry asking what she can do for him. He says he wants to look at the show room. He turns around. Deep breath. He didn't recognize me. Thank you Clairol Prefect 10 and Heatmaster flatiron. Shaking so bad it's hard to stand up. Almost run back to the warehouse. Look at the garbage can. Think about throwing up. Would that make it feel better? Lean against the counter. Can't breathe. Counter guys looking at me funny. What will make me feel better? Call Jij. She'll know what to do. Talking makes me have to breathe. Hiding in the warehouse. Talk to jij a minute. Can't keep hiding. Have to go back up front... Don't pass out....

All of that in the space of about 3 minutes.

Remember AJB? How I've been missing him lately? Well, that still stands. I still miss him. However, I have not missed his father, "Mr. B". Mr. B and I were on good terms for maybe 20 percent of the nearly 5 years. the other 80% we were barely civil or flat out at odds. He did not care for me. He told AJB he should stop seeing me because I would have to be unstable and insane to be dating AJB, much less be so patient with him, and that I should be admitted to a psych ward. Which, if said in the right circumstances may have been somewhat humorous. But he was... is... serious. He blames me for a lot of AJB's issues. He blames ME for AJB's addictions. How is it my fault he is a porn addict? He was like that before I met him. If anything, I gave him hope. I helped him break the chains long enough for him to be worthy of the preisthood (at least for a while), long enough for him to get his patriarchal blessing. Not that I am trying to sing my own praises here or anything, but I was GOOD for him. Sometimes I think my family and I were the only ones who really cared about his wellbeing. It has been said by more than one person close to me that AJB's parents only blame me because they don't want to address their own failings as parents. I would have to agree... but we won't get into that just now. Well, any further anyway. 

Guess who showed up in my showroom today? Mr. B.

Universe:1 Sarahjane:0

I was not prepared for that. Nor was I prepared for how much it affected me. I felt physically ill. I barely kept it together. After I came back into the office, he recognized me and made polite small talk. But (and maybe this is my overcharged emotions talking) it felt strained. I saw something in his eyes. Something not remotely friendly.

And I had forgotten how much AJB looks like him. I wasn't prepared for that painful reminder either.

Universe: 2, Sarahjane: 0.

Congratulations Universe, you win. This round. But this is just one round. I have plenty of time to get back at the universe.
My blood pressure still feels high, but that's nothing a Diet Coke and some chocolate won't fix.

Hm, I have a Normandie fruit tart at home...

Universe: 2  Sarahjane: 1

Getting there...(ps thanks for the quote jij ;)

May or May Not

Once Upon a Time.... A certain girl had a certain type of dream about a certain boy who a certain best friend is a little more than slightly in love with. This girl may possibly feel like a heap of crap for said dream. She may or may not have also really enjoyed said dream. This certain girl may or may not be torn to shreds over said dream. This certain girl may very likely fall apart. She may NOT fall in love with him. Because if she did, that certain best friend may just kill her, whether or not that best friend actually means to kill her.  She may not survive the guilt in the first place. She may feel like a complete traitor, thanks to her subconscious, which may very well be the death of her. Said subconscious may or may not be stuck on that certain boy, for reasons which may not have been discovered. She might or might not be paranoid about what may or may not happen with that certain boy, which may or may not make it harder (or easier) to avoid certain disaster. She may or may not want to tell that certain boy about it. She may just want to see his reaction. She does not want to have to try to live this down. 


This may or may not be an adventure. 

thought for the day...

On occasion I catch myself saying something that might actually be mistaken for profound. In the wee hours of the morning Jij and I were chatting, working through a sticky situation. (Ok, that's kind of a lie. I feel powerless to actually work anything out. I don't know what to do for her. "M. Chevalier", the gentleman whom we both have, erm... situations... revolving around, is inadvertently wreaking havoc on poor Jij... It makes me sad to see her struggle like this. She is a one woman army. It takes a LOT to get to this girl. But M. Chevalier gets to her. That's a story for another post....


Anyhow, "my moment". We were discussing the idea that the harder you fight, the harder you fall. On some level I believe that. However, (here it comes)
"They say that the deeper you love and the harder you fight the farther you fall... I think that's true, but being someone who loves deeply, I wouldn't change it. The fall is worth the sheer bliss of deep and true love. And I believe that a good fight teaches us more about ourselves that nearly anything else. It is better to go all the way and learn and find joy than to sit waiting for something to happen" (At 2 in the morning it was riddled with typos and not worded so well, but that's what happens when I attempt to type out a deep thought at 2 AM at awkward angles on my laptop... And the sentiment is the same, typo-ed or not)


I stand by it either way. Love with all you have. Live passionately. Laugh from your very core. Choose to be happy. Hard times will come, they are often unavoidable. Choose to learn, choose to grow. Don't back down. It will pay off. 


Sometimes the Lord just lets it rain. Occasionally it feels like He lets it MONSOON. So learn to "dance in the rain"... In your best dress. FEARLESS! (Thanks Taylor Swift :) 


(I seem to like parentheses today)


(The End)

Finding me in the madness.

Sad, angry, happy, hungry, blessed, disappointed, dirty, lost, blessed, loved, tried, impatient, working, praying, pleading, searching, hungry, exhausted, frustrated, longing, empty, more praying, repenting, stupid stupid girl, abd abd abd!, determined, hurting, even more determined, and yet more praying.... and still hungry.

Why is it that when there is so much on my mind I can't seem to get anything out? All I can find is a largely incoherent stream of words that only vaguely captures what is going on in my mind. One thing is certain: I have lost it.

However, I think I can get "it" back soon. March madness time!! I have faith that it will be what I need to reset mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It's what I need. I think I need to be reminded of the truth. It's not that I have ever not believed, but lately I have gotten complacent. I know I need to work harder. When a testimony isn't growing it is dying. I don't want my testimony to waver. I'm struggling enough just now, putting my spiritual wellbeing won't help any. SO here we go. 531 pages in 31 days. And I shall resume my weekly temple visits. Life got busy and I got lazy. No more excuses. I need to work to deserve that Stripling Warrior. I need to be better. I need to work to strengthen myself against the pull of temptation.

Moroni promises us that if we ask God, in the name of Christ, with a sincere heart, and with pure intent, that we "may know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:4-5). He also promises that we can be made perfect in Christ (Moroni 10:32). I have been a member of the Church all my life. I am begining to feel a littel bit like I have been a blind believer. I have read the scriptures and gone to church and paid tithing and all of that stuff, and I have always had a testimony. But I have never really put it all to the test. I have never challenged myself to find out, for myself. I have never truly put Moroni's challenge to the TEST. What better time than now, when I feel like my life is a little out of control, and like I am living in utter madness, than to take the challenge and delve in to the Gospel with everything I have. After 21 years it's about time, I think.

So here's to finding joy in the journey, and to finding peace, clarity, and truth. Here's to becoming the best me I can be.

Onward and Upward!

Daily Horoscope

I'm the kind of girl who reads seven different horoscopes and then decides which one is my favorite. (I thought I was the minority. apparently not. There's a character in a book I just read who does the same... It's called "Can You Keep a Secret?" It's riotously funny) I don't think there is anything wrong with chosing my favorite. Besides, who really believes all that stuff anyway? Astrology is less than exact, but it sure is fun to play along once in a while.

So, here's todays horoscope according to the astrologists at Yahoo.com"

Sagittarius Daily Overview (3/6/2010)

You've thought of a certain person as a strictly platonic acquaintance for so long you can barely wrap your mind around the thought of slipping them into another category -- especially a romantic category. Well, you'd better try, and you'd better try soon. Because if the way they've been looking at you lately is any indication, they've definitely got the jump on you in that department.

Hm. Who could this be? DWB? That's my best guess. Jimmie thinks he likes me. I don't know. What do you think? Who could it be? Heck, is it even worth caring?

hopefully one day I will...

This sucks. For most of my "eligible" life, I have NOT been in a hurry to be married. Now all I want is a husband and a baby. Why?
Why is it that all of a sudden I can't seem to shake the feeling that I am missing out on something huge? You can't lose what was never yours, so why do I feel like I've lost something?

Speaking of losses, though it has been nearly 6 months, I have been missing AJB terribly lately. He will barely acknowledge my existence. I spent FOUR AND A HALF FLIPPING years by his side. I gave him SO much of me. In turn my experiences with him have helped to shape the woman I am today. He filled so many roles: confidant, best friend, support, love, co-pilot, de-constructer of elaborate hair-dos, running buddy, late night psychologist, ego booster, personal comedian...

All I can do is sit here and cry. I miss him so much. He is such a massive part of me. And he is gone. I never wanted to hurt him, but I think he blames me for a lot of his suffering. I did the leaving, after all. He begged me to stay. But I couldn't. In the end he wasn't really who I fell in love with. The addiction had seeped in too deep. I couldn't change that. His demons affected me too... They made me feel like I wasn't enough for him. They drove wedges between us. There was a space of time when I was nearly swept into the downward spiral. But I didn't give in totally, and I escaped... Ultimately his demons took away the one I loved so fiercely. They stole his light. They buried him too deep. Love him though I do, I know I couldn't save him. I tried for a long ime. I did my best. And I loved him with everything I had. It seems that some think that you can truly love at so young an age. But we had something extraordinary. We were something special. It is not my place to be a judge or be a savior. That is for Christ to do. I had to get away to save myself. My eternal salvation was more or less hanging in the balance, and if mine was tied to his, I would never make it. I tried to salvage some sort of a relationship. I tried with everything I had. But he says it hurts too much. He says he can't stand to see me, or talk to me, or think of me. I sort of don't blame him. I know I hurt him. But I did everything I could do for him. I would not take back ANY of my time with him. As I said, I am who I am because of my experiences with him. The loss is just hitting very close to my heart just now. I am missing my best friend terribly. And it hurts deep in the pit of my stomach.

On top of that I'm not sure how to feel about what transpired between MAG and I. There were just too many similarities between MAG and AJB for it to ever work out. MAG interested me. I was hooked. Then he made me angry... red flags popped up everywhere. Falsely mature, over-zealously opinionated, not a worthy priesthood holder, too many video games, no filter, can't keep his mouth shut, got too invested too fast... Mostly not worthy to hold the priesthood, and not in good standing with the church. I dealt with that for the better part of 5 years. Not again. I won't do it again. Even though I know that it would never work, it's weird to switch gears. I was seriously drawn to him. But it was too familiar, and not in a good way. It still feels like a disappointment.

I don't want another project. I like fixing up antiques, not people. If I wanted to be a people fixer I would be a psych or med student. I need someone who can keep up with me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically... Someone who can match me. Equally yolked. The other day my bestie Jij and I were discussing out relationship plights and it came to this...

me: We deserve better

Jij: We deserve the best one for us . You know how I feel about all that "better" talk ;)

me: well, you just said I deserve better.....

Jij:you're the kind I can see with a stripling warrior or Captain Moroni

me: you just made my week... you have no idea

Jij: You know I don't say these things and don't mean them

I know she says what she thinks. Always. And I'm going to choose to ignore the fact that she was hopped up on Nyquil that day. The more I have discussed with family and special friends the more I'm inclined to believe that Jij is right. I am strong. I am fierce. I am a force to be reckoned with. I need someone who can match me.

As if in answer to a prayer (which I have no doubt that it was), I heard a song even as I sat ranting just now. "One day you will " from Lady A...

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

One day I will have love and peace and the things that I find myself longing for. Good things are worth waiting for, right? Maybe the longer I have to wait the better he, whoever "he" is, will be.

I feel significantly better than when I sat down at my little computer to pour my heart out to the blogging powers that be. Funny how getting things out of my head helps huh? Thanks for listening.

Pssh, It Happens.

I have had Sugarland's "It Happens" stuck in my head ALL HAM DAY.

No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to overthink it
Let go, laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
The irrefutable, indisputable fact is
It happens"

It happens. Life happens. No thing ever really goes like I plan. We live and love and mess up and hopefully learn from our mistakes and then grow from our learning.

Unfortunately, I think sometimes we have to be the hard part of someone else's life lesson. LIke today when I more or less "dumped" MAG... I told him we needed to talk. He asked me about what. I asked him if he had any ideas about what we might need to discuss. He hit the nail on the head. He know i twas coming ever since about a week and a half ago when he made me cry. I was straight with him, and told him I need someone who holds the priesthood, someone who is equally matched to me. I said that I have things I need to work out on my own and that he can't really help me. I told him that now is not the time for me to be dating him at all. He took it well, like a big boy. He asked if there was hope for the future when he has his priesthood back, and I just told him not to wait for me. He asked if he could kiss me one more time and I said no. He still wants to be friends, but I don't think I'll work too hard to find time to hang out with him. I asked him not to hang on to the thought of something and to just move on. I also asked him to quit trying to hard and to just back off. He agreed to. I promised him that I would correct him if he overstepped bounds. He made me feel bad when he went on about still being in love with me and feeling like that wouldn't change any time soon, but I'm getting over that. I"m trying not to give into the guilt that is tempting me. He went on about how wonderful I am... made me feel like a jerk a little. I know he fell for me. He says he's in love with me. I feel bad that he thinks I'm so wonderful and I went and more or less dumped him.... But I think MAG and I both learned plenty. I know better than to spend my time on someone who isn't good for me. I should have learned that well enough after AJB, but hey, no one ever accused me of being a genius.) I think on some level I had to hurt him. I never set out to hurt anyone, it just... happened. MAG and I would not work. In a way we balance each other, but at the same he undoes my sanity... Not in the fun way either.... I hope tho, that he has learned that he needs to stand on his own before anyone can stand beside him.

It happens. But we learn from it. We try... I try so hard to understand why things are the way they are. But when I just sit back and trust that the answers I have received from the Lord are correct life is a little easier. I do need to have faith that things happen for a reason!

So, that little chapter is over. I think MAG was a reminder that I need to just be patient. Yes, life is NOT going how I planned. If you's asked me 3 years ago where I'd be when I was 21 I would likely have said " Almost done with pre-med, maybe engaged or married". Now I'm starting over as a Music Education major, I"m nowhere near married... I've had at least one monumental failure of a relationship. Ok that's a lie. AJB wasn't a monumental failure. I wouldn't change much about that nearly 5 years. I am who I am largely because of him. It just didn't turn out like I thought it would. I just need to be patient and I need to sit still long enough to listen once in a while. There's a plan for me. There's someone out there for me. Someone who is good for me, who will be good to me, and who is worthy. It hasn't happened yet, but it will happen. Then I can say "it happens" with a smile :)

"let go laughing"... I think I will :)

Random can be fun, right?

Things on my mind just now:

*I'm desperately missing one of my best friends/now ex boyfriend of nearly 5 years. Let's call him "AJB"... but I had a hand in breaking his heart, and he entirely blames me, and will no longer acknowledge my existence. It's depressing.
*The guy I was interested in for a while, "MAG" sort of blew it. I'm no longer interested. But he doesn't seem to get that the mutual attraction has been lost. I don't know how to help him understand this without being ruthlessly mean.
*After discussing relationships with a new friend, the previous two thoughts included, she looked at me and in a very matter-of-fact tone said, "Geez Sarah, you're kind of a heartless bitch." Thanks, friend. I needed someone to tell me that. Since I'm already feeling less than great about myself thanks to, again, the previously stated thoughts... Who knows, maybe I am a heartless beezy.
*Then I think that I'm really not so heartless. That will be a whole separate post, I think...
*I think I'm slightly in love with a blue eyed tenor. He is sweet, and happy, and smart, and talented, and worthy. And gorgeous.
*I hate Diablo. And Halo. And Starcraft.
*There's a beautiful Hawaiian tenor I'm also very interested in.
*I think I have a thing for tenors.... But the two or three I can't quit thinking about are very different thank guys I've dated before. I think that's what I need :)
*I don't want to read any "graphic novels" right now. Or ever.
*I haven't talked to my best friend in over 24 hours and I really miss her. Is that pathetic?
*"Valentines Day" was awesome. I needed a chick flick....
*I amazed at how fearless I was this weekend on my snowmobiling trip. Ok, maybe not fearless, but brave. I was scared, but I did things I never thought I would do. It was fun!
*I have an ADD brain. My trains of thought are so random sometimes.

It's good to get thought listed. Hopefully I'll be able to explain more. I need to get it all out. I was recently told that I keep too much in. Maybe that's true...

Bonne nuit à toi!

Not a blogger....

Well, no one ever accused me of being sane. I didn't think I would ever be a blogger, but here I am, writing my first blog post. I"m hoping it will be a good way to get out all the things I can't manage to say out loud. It's funny, sometimes I just cannot seem to find a way to translate thoughts int actual words. But I can nearly always find a way to get thought into written words. I'm good at writing letters. Here's hoping that I can be good at writing blog posts too. . .