Finding me in the madness.

Sad, angry, happy, hungry, blessed, disappointed, dirty, lost, blessed, loved, tried, impatient, working, praying, pleading, searching, hungry, exhausted, frustrated, longing, empty, more praying, repenting, stupid stupid girl, abd abd abd!, determined, hurting, even more determined, and yet more praying.... and still hungry.

Why is it that when there is so much on my mind I can't seem to get anything out? All I can find is a largely incoherent stream of words that only vaguely captures what is going on in my mind. One thing is certain: I have lost it.

However, I think I can get "it" back soon. March madness time!! I have faith that it will be what I need to reset mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It's what I need. I think I need to be reminded of the truth. It's not that I have ever not believed, but lately I have gotten complacent. I know I need to work harder. When a testimony isn't growing it is dying. I don't want my testimony to waver. I'm struggling enough just now, putting my spiritual wellbeing won't help any. SO here we go. 531 pages in 31 days. And I shall resume my weekly temple visits. Life got busy and I got lazy. No more excuses. I need to work to deserve that Stripling Warrior. I need to be better. I need to work to strengthen myself against the pull of temptation.

Moroni promises us that if we ask God, in the name of Christ, with a sincere heart, and with pure intent, that we "may know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:4-5). He also promises that we can be made perfect in Christ (Moroni 10:32). I have been a member of the Church all my life. I am begining to feel a littel bit like I have been a blind believer. I have read the scriptures and gone to church and paid tithing and all of that stuff, and I have always had a testimony. But I have never really put it all to the test. I have never challenged myself to find out, for myself. I have never truly put Moroni's challenge to the TEST. What better time than now, when I feel like my life is a little out of control, and like I am living in utter madness, than to take the challenge and delve in to the Gospel with everything I have. After 21 years it's about time, I think.

So here's to finding joy in the journey, and to finding peace, clarity, and truth. Here's to becoming the best me I can be.

Onward and Upward!