Recent things to be happy about:

Good things about Friday: *I survived piano lessons with minimal damage. *I got to hear DWB sing bits from Next to Normal, and was brave enough to sing along. I love to hear DWB sing, he's amazing. It was Giant Hot Dog Friday at work, so instead of the regular dogs there were Costco hot dogs all day. They are so good. *There were also donuts :) *I chatted with M. Chevalier about sending barbies into orbit with model rockets and blowing them up with M80s, fragging zombies, and I gave him the secret code to diffuse the weapon that was about to destroy Utah County (449522, in case you were wondering).* I got the most darling wall hang at the YW fundraiser. It says ASAP (always say a prayer :). *I couldn't stop thinking about it, which usually means that it's not a thought from me, if you know what I mean, so I sent DWB a message via FaceBook. I told him I think he's amazing, that I love that he shares his talents and his music with me, and that his bright, happy presence makes me happy (I also mentioned that we should have a movie night). *I also got to go see Alice in Wonderland. It was AMAZING. *I ran into an old friend at the movie theatre too. It was good to see NR! 

Good things about Saturday: *DWB replied to my message. LOVE him. "I'm so happy that your so happy when I'm so happy! And I'm leavin on Tuesday at noonish for a road trip. How bout Monday for movie night? Or tomorrow night? Or tonight? Or every night of my LIFE?! Aaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!" OK, got a little carried away. Anywho, I already miss you, so... let's fix that." *DAB (not to be confused with DWB) also sent me a little message on FB. He just wanted to check on me and make sure I'm ok. He says I've been a little off lately. He would be correct. This kid is amazing. He's a piano WIZARD, he's funny and he doesn't know it, and he's just so good and kind and sweet. I'll miss him when he goes to Berklee. *SoBella called out of the blue. She needed a running buddy for a jaunt to Provo. I haven't seen her in a year or so. It was good to see her. I have missed her. There were moments that felt like nothing had changed, even though in reality everything is different. I hope she is happy. *The adult session of Stake conference is usually really uplifting for me. And it was for the most part. We'll ignore the things that didn't make me so happy for now. This is a happy post!


plus the daily horoscope:

"You can't ignore your desire for change any longer. Could it be that you're tired of the same old same old? It was a lot of fun, but you want something truer, deeper and more significant. Face it: You're growing up." (yahoo astrology)


Do I really have to grow up? Say it ain't so... 

The epistle of the temporarily unsound...

I don't think I have had a single coherent thought today. So it would only be fitting to compose a completely discombobulated post, right? 

So apparently your favorite girl scout cookie tells a lot about your personality. (see http://www.shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/what-does-your-favorite-girl-scout-cookie-say-about-you-1086262/;_ylt=ArZZKtaKedQZ) (longest link EVER)  Anywho, I am a hardcore Tagalong addict. I can eat an entire box without shame, or breathing... The little blurb says "Like the chocolate-peanut butter of the Tagalong, you have an intriguing duality. One side of you is smooth, relaxed, and easygoing, while you also have a dark side, one that likes to ponder life's deeper meanings and philosophical quagmires. You snap out of it quickly, though, especially when cookies are present." Philosophical quagmire. Yes. I am in one. Sort of. If not philosophical, it's still a quagmire. A rather messy quagmire. MAG STILL won't let up. I can't decide which is worse: stop worrying about it and let him retain some shred of hope that he will ever be that someone special for me, meanwhile putting up with his antics; or break the poor guy's heart into a jillion pieces. What's worse, false hope or heartbreak? M. Chevalier says "breaking hearts is a dark business, and sometimes you have to do your own dirty work." I hate that he's right.  And I hate that I don't understand Chevalier. I can't decide if he's the good guy or the evil twin. Maybe he's both. I think I'm the evil twin today. I don't want to be the one Cookie calls when she is pissed at the world. Right now my balance is precarious enough without her influence. No I don't want to go to the belly dancing festival. And stop saying the F word, Cookie. You know it bugs me. DTCG bugs me too. But Strawberry  likes him a lot, so I have to be nice. A pedicure would be nice. My toes miss seeing the sun. Heck, I miss seeing the sun. Hawaii is sunny, that sounds good about now. The beautiful Hawaiian tenor, KHK, sounds good too. He's incredible and he doesn't know it. Sweet, gorgeous, talented, smart. So is the Blue Eyed Tenor, TJE. I want to get to know him better. I have no idea how. He seems so shy. I'm pretty sure he's too cool for me anyway. I also slightly love DWB. But I'm pretty sure he's perfect for Jimmie. I am debating setting them up. M. Chevalier is the only guy that has a moniker instead of initials... Other than him  only the ladies get nicknames...  I'll have to tell him he's special and then make him wonder why. I have new "goal pants". REI sizes a little small. Which sucks. Speaking of goals I am a March Madness EPIC FAIL. I'm so behind. But I'll keep plugging along. I'm still missing "me". I miss AJB. I need a good bear hug. He was the best at that. I would say that I need a hug on Facebook or something- I would get lots of hugs- but then MAG would probably see that as an invitation to maul me. gag. bad idea. Maybe blogging was a bad idea right now. I might be a little unstable. Oh well. I'll just go to bed. Weird dreams will make me forget the whole feeling of being stuck in a quagmire... 

great, cyclical though process... 

and thus I do make an end to this ridiculous epistle. 

Congratulations Universe...

At work talking to Strawberry Shortcake. Hear the front door open. Look up to acknowledge the customer. Smile and say hello. Oh no. Don't swear out loud. Face falls for half a second. Don't react violently, just fake a smile. Fighting off fainting. Phone rings. Thank heavens, saved by the phone. "Great Western Supply, how can I help you?" Strawberry asking what she can do for him. He says he wants to look at the show room. He turns around. Deep breath. He didn't recognize me. Thank you Clairol Prefect 10 and Heatmaster flatiron. Shaking so bad it's hard to stand up. Almost run back to the warehouse. Look at the garbage can. Think about throwing up. Would that make it feel better? Lean against the counter. Can't breathe. Counter guys looking at me funny. What will make me feel better? Call Jij. She'll know what to do. Talking makes me have to breathe. Hiding in the warehouse. Talk to jij a minute. Can't keep hiding. Have to go back up front... Don't pass out....

All of that in the space of about 3 minutes.

Remember AJB? How I've been missing him lately? Well, that still stands. I still miss him. However, I have not missed his father, "Mr. B". Mr. B and I were on good terms for maybe 20 percent of the nearly 5 years. the other 80% we were barely civil or flat out at odds. He did not care for me. He told AJB he should stop seeing me because I would have to be unstable and insane to be dating AJB, much less be so patient with him, and that I should be admitted to a psych ward. Which, if said in the right circumstances may have been somewhat humorous. But he was... is... serious. He blames me for a lot of AJB's issues. He blames ME for AJB's addictions. How is it my fault he is a porn addict? He was like that before I met him. If anything, I gave him hope. I helped him break the chains long enough for him to be worthy of the preisthood (at least for a while), long enough for him to get his patriarchal blessing. Not that I am trying to sing my own praises here or anything, but I was GOOD for him. Sometimes I think my family and I were the only ones who really cared about his wellbeing. It has been said by more than one person close to me that AJB's parents only blame me because they don't want to address their own failings as parents. I would have to agree... but we won't get into that just now. Well, any further anyway. 

Guess who showed up in my showroom today? Mr. B.

Universe:1 Sarahjane:0

I was not prepared for that. Nor was I prepared for how much it affected me. I felt physically ill. I barely kept it together. After I came back into the office, he recognized me and made polite small talk. But (and maybe this is my overcharged emotions talking) it felt strained. I saw something in his eyes. Something not remotely friendly.

And I had forgotten how much AJB looks like him. I wasn't prepared for that painful reminder either.

Universe: 2, Sarahjane: 0.

Congratulations Universe, you win. This round. But this is just one round. I have plenty of time to get back at the universe.
My blood pressure still feels high, but that's nothing a Diet Coke and some chocolate won't fix.

Hm, I have a Normandie fruit tart at home...

Universe: 2  Sarahjane: 1

Getting there...(ps thanks for the quote jij ;)

May or May Not

Once Upon a Time.... A certain girl had a certain type of dream about a certain boy who a certain best friend is a little more than slightly in love with. This girl may possibly feel like a heap of crap for said dream. She may or may not have also really enjoyed said dream. This certain girl may or may not be torn to shreds over said dream. This certain girl may very likely fall apart. She may NOT fall in love with him. Because if she did, that certain best friend may just kill her, whether or not that best friend actually means to kill her.  She may not survive the guilt in the first place. She may feel like a complete traitor, thanks to her subconscious, which may very well be the death of her. Said subconscious may or may not be stuck on that certain boy, for reasons which may not have been discovered. She might or might not be paranoid about what may or may not happen with that certain boy, which may or may not make it harder (or easier) to avoid certain disaster. She may or may not want to tell that certain boy about it. She may just want to see his reaction. She does not want to have to try to live this down. 


This may or may not be an adventure. 

thought for the day...

On occasion I catch myself saying something that might actually be mistaken for profound. In the wee hours of the morning Jij and I were chatting, working through a sticky situation. (Ok, that's kind of a lie. I feel powerless to actually work anything out. I don't know what to do for her. "M. Chevalier", the gentleman whom we both have, erm... situations... revolving around, is inadvertently wreaking havoc on poor Jij... It makes me sad to see her struggle like this. She is a one woman army. It takes a LOT to get to this girl. But M. Chevalier gets to her. That's a story for another post....


Anyhow, "my moment". We were discussing the idea that the harder you fight, the harder you fall. On some level I believe that. However, (here it comes)
"They say that the deeper you love and the harder you fight the farther you fall... I think that's true, but being someone who loves deeply, I wouldn't change it. The fall is worth the sheer bliss of deep and true love. And I believe that a good fight teaches us more about ourselves that nearly anything else. It is better to go all the way and learn and find joy than to sit waiting for something to happen" (At 2 in the morning it was riddled with typos and not worded so well, but that's what happens when I attempt to type out a deep thought at 2 AM at awkward angles on my laptop... And the sentiment is the same, typo-ed or not)


I stand by it either way. Love with all you have. Live passionately. Laugh from your very core. Choose to be happy. Hard times will come, they are often unavoidable. Choose to learn, choose to grow. Don't back down. It will pay off. 


Sometimes the Lord just lets it rain. Occasionally it feels like He lets it MONSOON. So learn to "dance in the rain"... In your best dress. FEARLESS! (Thanks Taylor Swift :) 


(I seem to like parentheses today)


(The End)

Finding me in the madness.

Sad, angry, happy, hungry, blessed, disappointed, dirty, lost, blessed, loved, tried, impatient, working, praying, pleading, searching, hungry, exhausted, frustrated, longing, empty, more praying, repenting, stupid stupid girl, abd abd abd!, determined, hurting, even more determined, and yet more praying.... and still hungry.

Why is it that when there is so much on my mind I can't seem to get anything out? All I can find is a largely incoherent stream of words that only vaguely captures what is going on in my mind. One thing is certain: I have lost it.

However, I think I can get "it" back soon. March madness time!! I have faith that it will be what I need to reset mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. It's what I need. I think I need to be reminded of the truth. It's not that I have ever not believed, but lately I have gotten complacent. I know I need to work harder. When a testimony isn't growing it is dying. I don't want my testimony to waver. I'm struggling enough just now, putting my spiritual wellbeing won't help any. SO here we go. 531 pages in 31 days. And I shall resume my weekly temple visits. Life got busy and I got lazy. No more excuses. I need to work to deserve that Stripling Warrior. I need to be better. I need to work to strengthen myself against the pull of temptation.

Moroni promises us that if we ask God, in the name of Christ, with a sincere heart, and with pure intent, that we "may know the truth of all things" (Moroni 10:4-5). He also promises that we can be made perfect in Christ (Moroni 10:32). I have been a member of the Church all my life. I am begining to feel a littel bit like I have been a blind believer. I have read the scriptures and gone to church and paid tithing and all of that stuff, and I have always had a testimony. But I have never really put it all to the test. I have never challenged myself to find out, for myself. I have never truly put Moroni's challenge to the TEST. What better time than now, when I feel like my life is a little out of control, and like I am living in utter madness, than to take the challenge and delve in to the Gospel with everything I have. After 21 years it's about time, I think.

So here's to finding joy in the journey, and to finding peace, clarity, and truth. Here's to becoming the best me I can be.

Onward and Upward!

Daily Horoscope

I'm the kind of girl who reads seven different horoscopes and then decides which one is my favorite. (I thought I was the minority. apparently not. There's a character in a book I just read who does the same... It's called "Can You Keep a Secret?" It's riotously funny) I don't think there is anything wrong with chosing my favorite. Besides, who really believes all that stuff anyway? Astrology is less than exact, but it sure is fun to play along once in a while.

So, here's todays horoscope according to the astrologists at Yahoo.com"

Sagittarius Daily Overview (3/6/2010)

You've thought of a certain person as a strictly platonic acquaintance for so long you can barely wrap your mind around the thought of slipping them into another category -- especially a romantic category. Well, you'd better try, and you'd better try soon. Because if the way they've been looking at you lately is any indication, they've definitely got the jump on you in that department.

Hm. Who could this be? DWB? That's my best guess. Jimmie thinks he likes me. I don't know. What do you think? Who could it be? Heck, is it even worth caring?